The best opening line ever. June 1st, 2008

At work when we get a patient admitted I will read through the patient care report that the paramedcs write. And last night I think I found the most epic opening ever. The patient was a female who was drunk to the point of no return. The first sentence simply said “Patient was found on a party bus.” Just for a moment think about how great your night must have been up until that point. She was certainly having much more fun that the patient that was “Found spread over the hood of a GMC Yukon”.



It’s the simple things that keep me amused.

Surgery 2

Well.... It's done. Overall the surgery went smoothly, the tumor is out, and they were able to reattach the bone and sew my ass up. That's great. However you get a totally different perspective of healthcare from being the patient. That being said I have had some really good experiences and some not so good ones. I don't even remember the post-op recovery period. I do however remember being moved to the ICU. The day nurse I had on the day of surgery was great. She was very helpful to me and my family. Pain control was excellent. Overall a great A+ experience. My night nurse however started out strong, but as time went on really couldn't give a shit. She was short with my wife, which I didn't appreciate. But the most infuriating part was the approximately 7 hour gap in pain medication the day after surgery.

Now please understand me here. I am not one of those people trying to get drugs. I haven't ever really been on pain meds until this experience. However, imagine this. You have been laying face down for a four hour surgery. They cut through your skin, and some of the most dense muscle in your body. Then they saw off the rear portion of two of your vertabrae, open the dura, and cut out a nerve root, slowly slice off a tumor, and reseal your dura, screw your bone back on, and then sew up the muscle of your lower back, and stich the skin. That muscle contracts every time you do anything. Even a simple cough causes pretty siginficant pain. And now imagine that 20 short hours after this, all of your pain meds have been discontinued because this nurse had the forsight or the willingness to simply change an order in a computer, or even enter the room when you asked for help. Unacceptable. I guess I simply wasn't exciting enough for this critical care nurse.

Fortunately that day I was transferred to telemetry. The nurse there was someone I had known for quite a while. She was great, the night nurse was great, and then I was lucky enough to have her the next day. I spent three days on tele, and then was discharged.

The Neurosurgeon, Internal Medicine doc, and Cardiologist I saw while inpatient were all great. I am lucky in the respect that I work with my Internal Medicine doctor. So when this all started I had the luck of picking the Neurosurgeon. The Cardiologist was a random assignment as far as I was concerned. But I got lucky, and he is a good guy.

More people than I expected came to see me, and I heard from just about everyone I knew on the internet. I am very thankful for all the support from my friends. And for God's sake my wife. That poor woman, I have been such a pain in her ass. Just ask her about it.

Overall I am home, and recovering. All things at this point are looking good. I am able to walk fine, albeit slow at times. I am not on anything for pain, and the incision is looking good. If I had to put a number to it I would say I am 98& independant. I am still stuck with lifting restrictions however. So we follow up with the Neurosurgeon and he wants to scan the rest of my back and brain. So until then...

Surgery 1

Well for those of you that don't know already I will be having a surgery August 5th. Fortunately and Unfortunately the surgery will be at the hospital I work at. Three months of chronic lower back pain ultimately led to an MRI of the lumbar spine being done. Those images revealed a 2cm tumor in the spine. Surgery should be quick and easy. Hopefully I'll get some wicked bad ass tumor pictures to put up here. So far things seem to be going pretty smoothly, aside from the original back pain, but we will all have a nice sigh of relief after the pathology results come back. A week or so in the hospital, and some out patient physical therapy and hopefully I will be as good as new. Plus I will get a shiny new airport security pass to go with some new hardware. The plus side is I will have some free time at home to write more. I really haven't been as current with this site as I would like to be. Maybe I will piece together some articles or some kind of educational material. Or maybe I will be doing some mad rantings. Whatever the case, hopefully I will put some good stuff up.

Top tweets.

I just thought to myself, I haven't posted anything on my blog in a long time. I was thinking of something good to put up. But I drew a blank. Lifes kinda just chugging along, and nothing really exciting has happened lately worth writing. So I figured I would do what all good bloggers do. Take a collection of their "micro blogs" (i.e. tweets) and post them in one large post. So here we go. Feel free to plunge into my warped mind, or feel free to follow me on twitter (mace85).

When everything in a hospital beeps, all the time. How do you know which beeps are important? Is my pt in asystole or is my popcorn done?
8:48 AM Dec 4th, 2009 via UberTwitter

I am so happy, sunshine and roses are coming out of my ass. No really. PEOPLE ARE AWESOME !!!
7:04 AM Dec 4th, 2009 via UberTwitter

Today just feels like a .45acp kinda day... http://tweetphoto.com/5512054
12:48 PM Nov 28th, 2009 via UberTwitter

Absolutely stoked to hear that Vltor is going to release the BREN TEN !! Gotta get me one. In a Galco Miami Classic :-) Don Johnson anyone ?
9:50 AM Nov 27th, 2009 via UberTwitter

Walking into work a lady stops me to ask where the hospital is. Not even clocked in and getting asked dumb questions. I am screwed today.
8:04 AM Nov 27th, 2009 via UberTwitter

Ok. I swear for Educ. Reasons only. Does anyone have the pic of the meth user who is A&OX4 with his abdomen open in his yard?
6:21 PM Nov 25th, 2009 via UberTwitter

Steve West is a sexy bitch... Just saying... It had to be said...
12:02 PM Nov 25th, 2009 via UberTwitter

You know, under these clothes, I am completely naked....
10:33 AM Nov 23rd, 2009 via UberTwitter

I have a recycle bin by my desk that has a sign on it saying "do not use until program is in effect" with a bag over it. WTF?
8:01 AM Nov 23rd, 2009 via UberTwitter

New rule: Females over the age of 14 aren't allowed to talk about "texting a boy".
7:58 AM Nov 13th, 2009 via UberTwitter

"I am so full of happiness some sneaks out my butt-hole." If you have to ask you have no idea...
11:27 PM Nov 8th, 2009 via web

And of course my favorite series of tweets...

Health tip: Afraid of cavities? Wrap your teeth in aluminum foil and feel free to enjoy all the halloween candy you want!
1,257,013,764,000.00 via web

Health tip: Men afraid of catching an STD? Tie a loop of dental floss around your genitals tightly, leave for 4 days. 95% decrease in STD's
1,256,966,726,000.00 via web

Health tip: Hemmorrhoids ruining your drawers? Take some dry ice to the rectum. It's cooling and cauterizes those pesky bleeders!
1,256,951,072,000.00 via web

Health tip: Good news diabetics. You have to give up sugar. But you can drink as much beer as you want. Beer has no sugar!
1,256,943,799,000.00 via Seesmic
Hope everyone out there is finding my health tips fun and useful...
3:38 PM Oct 30th, 2009 via Seesmic

Health tip: Just had a stroke? Do what the pro's do. Take some Aspirin cut into your femoral artery and fish the clot out with a pipe snake
3:32 PM Oct 30th, 2009 via Seesmic

Health tip: Worried about catching H1N1? Take a lesson from contractors. Seal your mouth and nose with duct tape. No more airborne viruses!
2:52 PM Oct 30th, 2009 via web

Health tip: Constipated? Try foaming drain cleaner. Not only does it clear the blockage, but it cleans the walls of the pipes as well.
7:53 AM Oct 30th, 2009 via web

Todays health tip: Keep your eyes clean. Bleach removes that pesky film from your cornea.
6:09 AM Oct 30th, 2009 via web

Todays health tip: Keep your eyes clean. Bleach removes that pesky film from your cornea. And it sanitizes!!!
6:09 AM Oct 30th, 2009 via web

Application submitted to our group

We just got a message from a woman who lives across the country from our great state. She wants to join our VOLUNTEER EMS group. She wanted to know if we would pay for her travel expenses and lodging. Here is my reply (the names have been changed to protect the ignorant):

Dear Ma'am

We at the Medical Rescue Team are very greatful for your application. Normally we do pay for travel and lodging expenses. Our current transportation contractor runs private Learjets out of Scottsdale Municipal Airport. Flights are scheduled at your convenience and you will find a fully stocked bar and enjoy in cabin wireless internet and television. A meal will be provided. This month is our surf and turf special. A 20 ounce prime rib with a fresh Maine Lobster with a fully stocked Oyster bar. Our aircraft is also equipped with a stage and brass pole. We normally provide dancers for in flight entertainment. But seeing as how you are a woman, we aren't able to provide entertainment. Our male dancing service is currently in a contract dispute. However if you are into women we may be able to work something out.

Our lodging is at the "Expensive hotel" in "Here". It is in the heart of the city and near the clubs and shopping. Will provide a car and driver in order to make your transportation as effortless as possible. The hotel is a five star resort with excellent dining options. If that doesn't meet your lodging needs we will gladly put move your accomidations to the "More expensive hotel". We also offer spa services. Nothing feels better after a day of sweating your sack off in 122 degree heat, dealing with the best drunks that "Insert recreational area of choice here" has to offer, than a massage and facial. After all hard work in the desert is no reason to let your pores get clogged.

When you show up to your job site, you will be met with your service vehicle. We are currently using Hummer H1's outfitted with LED warning lights, 200 Watt sirens, turbo chargers, F.L.I.R., and a full set of ALS equipment. We use computerized charting and wirelessly transmit the data to responding transport units and the hospital. All of your equipment will be provided free of charge, and you will have 2 assistants on scene.

We at the Medical Rescue Team eagerly await your arrival. And welcome to the team.


Sincerely
Me.


In order to protect the environment this e-mail was created using 100% post-consumer recycled electrons.

Be careful out there...

The other day I happened to be witness to an unfortunate situation. There could have been some less than desirable outcomes for the patient. Fortunately however it didn't turn out that way. As with all errors and failures in judgement, there is a lesson to be learned here. The lesson here being complacency is dangerous.

Whether your driving, walking down the street, treating a patient, or handling a firearm. The second you lose sight of what your doing, or worse even, fail to recognize the potential consequences of your actions, you have put yourself behind the curve.

In this particular situation, a seemingly harmless act had the potential to cause great harm. As a healthcare provider, at any level of care, your responsibilty to the patient comes first. Never forget that it is your responsibility and your's alone. Don't trust anyone else to look out for your intrests. At the end of the day, it's your name that goes in the chart. And if something goes wrong, it's your responsibility to answer for it.

Be careful, trust no one but yourself.

A long break...

I am the worst blogger ever....

I haven't been able to keep the posts going. Things have been busy, but nothing really exciting for the readers has happened lately. I am sorry to disappoint my readers (both of them)!

The good news is the winter trauma season seems to be picking up. Hopefully that will results in some good old fashioned carnage stories.

Until then, keep checking back, and I will try to keep things current.